Deer Ass

I was talking to my friend Salena on the phone earlier tonight and I had mentioned a fight Bryan and I got into. Here is how the conversation went:

Me: So the other day Bryan and I got into a fight and I stupidly said that he never does anything for me and told him that he has a 300 dollar present coming to him. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have done it but I did.

Salena: JESSICA!!

Me: I know!! So then of course Bryan started to guess what the heck I spent 300 dollars on for him. First he said a mattress (btw, it is a mattress but I denied this fact), then he said the motor mounts for his truck he’s been wanting for year. Then he guessed a deer ass bottle opener that he and I had seen a few weeks ago. I asked him if he would be ok with me spending 300 bucks on a bottle opener and he eagerly said “OF COURSE, I would have people over and show them” I reminded him that we do not have a social life and that he never has people over.

Salena: What the heck is a deer ass bottle opener?

Me: Just that, a deer’s ass instead of a deer’s head that you hang on your wall and you use its ass to open it. Pretty gross, the bottle goes pretty far in, makes you wonder how people feel while drinking a beer that’s been in a deer’s ass.

Salena:  I’d also like to add that I have my father’s gun and a scorching case of herpes!

At this point I bust out laughing because I have no idea why she said this. She is fairly quiet, maybe because she has no idea what’s so funny. I think it must be because she hadn’t been listening about deer’s ass on your drink.

Me, trying to regain myself: did you get the herpes from the deer??

Salena: What?? No! I was reading something I saw on Facebook. I guess I chose a bad time to read out loud, oops.

Yes, Salena, you sure did pick an awful time to read such a thing out loud, but thank you for that laugh.


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